The nicest rejection ever

Any how-to-be-a-writer self-help book will tell you that a writer hasn't earned her chops until she has a pile of rejection slips. It's actually a practical thing: once the stack is tall enough, the writer can strike a deal with the devil - he gets to use the slips to torture all the ego-driven former high school quarterbacks and the writer gets some minuscule break, like the opportunity to write for $0.43 an hour just to get that byline fix. After all, not even Satan himself can create a J.K. Rowling-type success.

What we never expect are rejection letters like the one I received yesterday from Creators Syndicate. (Why not? Syndicate rejection letters are no more distressing than plain ole submission rejection letters.) The second sentence reads:

Your columns are excellent: well written, interesting and thoughtful.

Hurrah, right? They love me - they're just tied down with all of these relationships with columnists they thought were great before. But just as soon as the kids leave for college, I'm... oh, wrong story... Anyway, they go on to suggest I submit more work in the future and maybe I'll hit that magic spot where my brilliance isn't hampered by previous commitments.

Nice, huh? A rejection, sure, but they see my inner beauty, right?

Now, let's take a look at their Web site:

Volume also makes it impossible to respond to every submission individually. We are therefore compelled to use rejection slips. They are, we understand, impersonal -- and the last thing you want to get in the mail -- but necessary to expedite the review process.

I was brilliant, if only for a moment...