I was really looking forward to writing a holiday-themed piece this year. I was going to say something quippy about the so-called War on Christmas and then offer some sort of John Lennon-esque plea for giving peace a chance - lay down your candy cane spears and sharpened throwing gelt and come together - something like that.
But I can't because Rebecca Ann Wilson was murdered by her ex-husband, Del Ray Wilson, Jr. - after moving out due to abuse, after receiving a protective order and after Del Ray was charged with violating that order four times.
According to the North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 59
Rebecca Ann was shot through the windshield of her car as she pulled into the parking lot of her apartment complex. Hopefully she never saw it coming.
Once the children have been placed with responsible adults and Del Ray has been sentenced to however much time the state sees fit, one question remains: did law enforcement fail Rebecca Ann?
I blamed law enforcement for years after I was attacked by my ex-boyfriend. I faulted them for not looking me in my blackened eye when I refused to press charges and I faulted them for never entering my house the morning he broke in to kill me.
But the truth is that police are in a horrible catch 22 when it comes to domestic abuse. By its very nature, domestic abuse happens, or at least begins, in relationships in which there is love, even if the relationship wouldn’t be considered loving. It was out of love and loyalty, and a false belief that my then-boyfriend would be grateful and therefore not violent, that kept me from pressing charges that day. And mine was a moderate case of abuse: mostly psychological and emotional, only occasionally physical and lasting less than a year. In more dramatic cases, abusees, led by their own misguided sense of love and loyalty, have been known to turn on the very police who have come to help them.
Protective orders are also catch 22s in their own right.
It makes sense that in order to prohibit people from going to a location, those prohibited must know where they can’t go. Alternately, it makes sense that people fleeing violent relationships would be secretive about the location of their new home and/or place of business, leaving abusees to chose between anonymity and police protection.
Rebecca Ann chose police protection. When Del Ray violated the protective order, he was arrested, twice. Both times he posted bail through a bail bondsman and returned to Rebecca Ann until that horrible final visit.
The added tragedy of Rebecca Ann’s murder is not that law enforcement was negligent – they weren’t. It was that the system has not yet developed enough to keep her, and those like her, safe.
There are no simple answers in domestic abuse. Most preventative measures address kids in the hopes that teaching them respect for themselves and one another will someday make abuse a disease of a bygone generation.
Until that time, we have to keep the dialogue going, keep searching for answers. We have to take abuse personally.
I never met Rebecca Ann - I don't know what her interests were or if she put sweet notes in her kids' lunch bags. But I take her murder personally - not just because I came so close to her fate, but because though leaving abusive relationships is the responsibility of individuals, ending abuse altogether is up to the whole community.
5 comments:
I never knew her rebecca either but unfortunatley, I knew del ray. about 10 years ago we were a couple for a little over a year. at first he was seemed to be a nice person we had known eachother for a long time. after a few months of dating it was like jekyl and hyde. but i thought i was in love and he was the one (i was young and stupid) i took out a restraining order on him after he beat me and tried to break into my house. he then followed me around for months going to my place of work, school and home and calling all the time and threatening me in ways i dont want to describe. i was in great fear for my life at this time. the system does not take responsiblility for crimes like this. no matter what we try to do to protect ourselves we never really feel safe. i have been watching my back b/c him for years (he didnt stop callig and following me til around 2000 or 2001)and when this terrible tragedy occured my heart broke for this girl and her family. i cant help but wonder if the cops and the judge i spoke to and his probation officer too about what a danger to society he really is (back in 1997-98) if this could have been prevented of they had just locked him up and threw away the key. they should have kept him locked up for violating the order so many time that may have saved this womans life. i wish they would wake up and pay attention to domestic violence! now that he may face execution, i feel that justice, for once, is finally being served. this happens too often to too many innocent women and it needs to stop! god bless rebecca and her children and family. i hope she can rest peacefully knowing that he wont harm any other women or the children involved. but i hope he gets the worst punishment possible for what he did. he is not a sane individual and hasnt been for many years. though i do feel sorry for his parents to a certain degree, they should have got him the help he needed a long time ago. just my opinion. i speak from personal experience (unfortunatley)
Survivor, I think your comments are too important to leave buried in this old post - I'm starting a new post with them on this homepage: www.sarahbethjones.blogspot.com.
Thank you for speaking out.
Rebecca was the most sweetest and caring woman. I knew her before she was married. She was not at all happy in her marriage and wanted things to be normal. Life was not close to normal behind those closed doors. She tried very hard to help delray with his acholol and drug addiction. Although he was a very selfish and disrespectful person. She thought that would change if he would lay off the addictions. Year after year things did not get better for Rebecca and her children. He became more abusive. He did things that terrified her and the two children on a normal basis. It was literally getting hard to bare for Rebecca. This is why she left him. She wanted to give her two children a better life, away from what they had to endure during her marriage.She tried to hold the marriage together anymore. He threaten to kill her constantly. Delray doesn't deserve to ever lay eyes on his children again. He took away the most precious to both the children, their mother. All he wanted was to continue to control Rebecca as he did for years. She would not go back to him and that is why he selfishly took her life. She was always wonderful and thinking of her children daily. She devoted alot of time with her kids. Delray took away her life only because he knew she was happy being away from him. He wanted her to stay in that life of terror and depression. He fooled many people into believing he was a good citizen and that he joined a church to get sypathy due to Rebecca's leaving. I miss my great friend. She was a true one. It was always hard for Rebecca parents to see her and the children. Delray fought with her anytime he would find out she had contact with them. Her parents came over while he was at work so they can help Rebecca during the day and visited with their grandchildren. It was always a feud when Rebecca would want to have her own friends and family around. She was always afraid that Delray would kill her and with that she begged for help. She was afraid for the kids, she was afraid that he and his parents would take the kids from her if she left him, so she continue to live this way until she couldn't anymore. Rebecca started to see that her daughter was terrify and nervous when delray was home. She had to finally leave him. That was an horrible six years of her life. Now Justice needs to make it right for her. She would not want her kids in the home of her murder's parents. His parents should have gotten help for Delray years ago. They seen the violence conflicted on Rebecca and the children he claims to love. His parents were aware of delray's anger and knew what he was capable of doing towards Rebecca. He has mentally and physically abuse her in front of them many times. I pray daily for the children, her family members and true friends. God Bless them all.
I'm so sorry you lost a friend in Rebecca - her death was truly needless and senseless. It makes unfortunate sense that Del Ray would keep her from her family and friends - the more isolated, the easier to control. She was so brave to leave him - if there is a silver lining, it is that her children never have to fear their father again.
Thank you for writing, Lynn.
I stumbled onto this post today as i googled Del Ray's name trying to find out what happened t him. I really hoped that I wouldread that he ha been put to death... occasionally I think about this tragedy in disbelief that I actually knew Rebecca and Del Ray. I dated Del Ray's younger brother John for almost a year. My best friend *** at the time met Del Ray thru me, and this is how Rebecca met Del Ray. It should be noted that my friend *** was 15 (same age as Rebecca)when she started seeing Del Ray -he was 23 at the time. His parents knew about them seeing each other, yet no one stopped this. I tried to once I realized what was going on.
Del Ray was extremely unstable and unpredictable. At first impression he seemed fun & carefree however, everyone's path he came across, he soon began to terrorize. i only dated his brother, yet Del Ray had all sorts of fun harassing my mother. He would harass everyone in ways that were clearly odd and over the top. He made scene with his 15 year old girlfriend at the local high school, and at nearly any public place. My friend had to take a restraining order out on him as well.
The police were well aware of his instability, yet he had this way with everyone around him -he was able to talk his way out of anything and make a friend out of anyone, even the police.
Basically his mental illnesses and all the charges pressed against him from those he harassed & the laws he broke were on file LONG before this ever happened. Rebbecca made a HUGE mistake by getting with him ( as she did so to spite ***) but she didn't realize what she was getting in too -she should not have had to pay the price of her life.
Del Ray ALWAYS broke his restraining orders. He was a sociopath with no regard for authority, as anyone could see by looking at his record. Mental illness or not -He should not be alive right now. His wife didn't get that luxury and it shows how fucked up the system truly is when dealing with people who have no decency in them.
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