Escaping abuse

I spent some time yesterday with a woman who has recently extracted herself from an abusive relationship. Just a few weeks out and she's already talking about it, which to me, shows bravery and resilience. It's also shows me that she's not dwarfed by the taboos suggesting domestic violence should be kept hush hush, even though she did, of course, protect her abuser for many years.

What seems to be haunting her most are the well-meant people who cannot understand why she would care at all about him anymore. She, like me and so many others, fell in love with a person with a rough history and low self-esteem. We think we can love them so much, they will eventually love themselves.

That's the change abused women talk about - not that we'll get them to stop hitting, but that they'll stop hitting because we've finally been able to show them their value, which will heal them of their self-doubt and self-hate. There are a dozen reasons why abused women go back after a violent bout, but one that cannot be discounted - and all too often is by people who, fortunately, just haven't been there - is that we truly and sincerely love the good things we see peaking through the monster. That doesn't turn off over night for abused women any more than it does for anyone else going through a break-up.

The love is also the answer to the question she and most of us asked, "What is wrong with me for staying, and for so long?" The mistake we made was not in loving them, or doing what we could to make the relationship work or any of the other things that with a non-abusive person would lead to a healthy, happy relationship. The mistake we made was thinking that our safety and happiness are necessary, and even worthwhile, sacrifices in the name of that love.

Finally, the trust issue. I heard myself in on the other side of a conversation 11 years ago when she asked me how she will learn to trust men again. The only answer I know is: one teeny-tiny step at a time. After the first argument I had with the first person I dated after my abusive relationship, I drove home watching the rear-view mirror, convinced that he would follow me home to hurt me. But, of course, he didn't because he was being a jerk, not a psychopath.

She is already leagues ahead of most women just weeks out of abuse. She has a lot of healing to do, and she needs to be extra vigilant during a time that is statistically the most dangerous time for an abused woman. But I'm guessing that sooner than later, she will looking people the the eyes again, and letting them truly see her beautiful face.