This column was originally published in the News & Record on April 4, 2007.
I really like my husband, Rob. I love him deeply and unabashedly, but I think the fact that I also like him is more notable. I, like many people, have been in relationships where the love has lasted much longer than the like. It seems that the memory of whatever it was about a person that sparked loving feelings in the first place is sometimes enough to keep the love going - and with it relationships that are, perhaps, less than the people involved had hoped for or deserve.
Also like most people, I have seen many marriages fall apart, sometimes for obvious reasons, like infidelity, but, more often, for reasons that fall under the generic “irreconcilable differences.” Perhaps even more upsetting, I have seen couples who stay together despite their disdain for one another, despite feeling unfulfilled and misunderstood.
I will admit that my fear of both divorce and loveless marriage has left me a little twitchy and overly cautious of the slippery slope of marital failure. Rob and I rarely argue, and our few arguments are rarely substantial, but the difficulty we have had bouncing back from arguments always set me in a tail-spin of paranoid worrying.
About six months ago, Rob and I decided to be proactive and seek the insight of a psychologist in what we thought of as “communication coaching.” Psychologists, rarely approached by happy, healthy people, seemed a little confused at my request, but one call led to another until we found ourselves in the office of Dr. Dennis McKnight.
After the first meeting, during which we gave Dr. McKnight the abridged version of our life to this point, he sent us home with the Myers-Briggs, one of the most widely used personality assessments.
Far from horoscope-esque vagaries, the Myers-Briggs, when answered honestly, pops out a four-letter abbreviation for who we are: extroverts or introverts, analytical or emotionally-driven, big picture or detail-oriented. From our four letter combinations, Dr. McKnight was able to tell us that many of our communication issues come from my need to hammer out solutions to problems immediately and aggressively, and Rob’s need for a break between acknowledging a problem and solving it, time to process and consider every angle.
Though I could have easily shaken Dr. McKnight’s hand at that moment and happily left his office forever with this one piece of essential knowledge, we instead decided to continue with our coaching to ensure that our marriage has the most solid foundation we can give it. We have entered our last few appointments unsure that there was anything left to discuss and have left with an even deeper understanding of one another and our relationship.
Counseling has gotten a bad rap over the years. Its image has been tarnished by misunderstanding and an often mistaken belief that a knowledgeable third-party has nothing useful to say about our lives. But, often, the objectivity and understanding of human behavior offered by a great psychologist can bring to light the motives and behaviors we are all too skilled at hiding from even ourselves. I suspect it is this brand of ego-free communication that Sen. David Hoyle is considering as he lobbies for voluntary premarital counseling for the courthouse-wedding faction. Having been married in
Rob and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary last week. These days, I am less worried that we won’t make it to our 30th than that I won’t have anything new to write in the Hallmark card when we do.
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