Though every single one of my great-grandparents were Eastern European Jews, the closest I came to dating within my religion was a guy with one Jewish parent and a quasi-agnostic upbringing. I wasn’t avoiding Jewish prospects – there were none. Sure, there were perfectly lovely kids in my Jewish elementary school who grew up to be quite attractive adults, but after the playground scuffles and awkward teen years, I may as well have dated cousins as any of them. In fact, for most Jews outside of major cities, it’s often a choice between dating outside the home market or outside the faith. For me, it was a no-brainer; though it was always important to me that my dating partners, and now my husband, respect my Jewish heritage, it was never important to me that they share it.
So now I am part of the statistic stating that nearly half of all American Jews have non-Jewish spouses. For decades, Jewish leaders have been concerned that marriages like mine might lead to the eventual disappearance of Judaism if we choose our spouses’ religion over our own, a relevant concern for a group that constitutes roughly 0.2 percent of the world’s population.
It is this concern, at least in part, that has inspired rabbis across the country to team up with the popular Jewish Internet dating service, JDate, as reported in last week’s Newsweek. Though I am clearly seen as part of the problem, I can understand where they’re coming from. As Yiddish and Klezmer music threaten to vanish with my grandparents’ generation, it’s hard not to be a little concerned about the future of our culture.
Do I harbor any feelings of guilt for my marital choice? Not a one.
You see, I think the issue at hand is not that I was married in a secular ceremony rather than under a chuppah. I think the issue is what I choose to do with my Jewish identity once settled into married life. Even more to the point, I think the issue is whether I would raise my children Jewish.
With only pets for kids, the question remains rhetorical, but even before my marriage vows, even before I met my husband, my answer was, and is, a resounding yes. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my older siblings, who are both in interfaith marriages, are raising their children with strong Jewish identities. In fact, it may just be that my nieces and nephews benefit from having a non-Jewish parent who acts as a constant reminder that we live in a diverse world, and that we can be firmly rooted in our own beliefs and cultures without demeaning others.
So, the question remains: how do we create that sense of investment in the future of Judaism?
I think we must start by accepting that a percentage of the population has permanently abandoned the notion that shared religion is a prerequisite to marriage. And then we must create opportunities to learn Yiddish and to experience Jewish music, literature and arts. Most importantly, we must create a space in which disconnected Jews – regardless of who, or even if, they marry – can fill the gaps in their Jewish knowledge, helping them get over the discomfort of having forgotten their Hebrew school lessons and inviting them to create new traditions of their own.
I may have a gentile as my partner, but I have a mezuzah on my door. The beauty of modernity is that one needn’t diminish the other.
12 comments:
where is G-d (the G-d of Abraham) in your process to reconnect to your (cultural) judaism?
put up all the mezzuzahs you want, become fluent in yiddish, you will continue to remain no more than a tribal jew and so will your children as they pass your legacy to theirs...
open the Bible sarah beth, thats the most certain and guaranteed plan to reconnect to your judaism, which could be your faith instead of your culture...
of course i understand your preference may be to stand on the side of the line of cultural judaism since it is so much easier....if so then there is no need to write such bogus and pointless drivel to publish for the public...you are brighter than that arent you?
First off, I tend to be suspicious of anyone who would voice such strong opinions under the safety of anonymity - in my opinion, it shows cowardice and a lack of true conviction - if you really believe what you say, why not attach your name to it, as I do? I find it even more deplorable in this case because you are implicating the Greensboro Jewish leaders by using their title. Knowing many of the actual rabbis in Greensboro, and having already received a very warm email from one, I tend to believe that it is not a community leader hiding behind the title.
Secondly, I'm disappointed to see you inject rhetoric and dogma into a religion that can be so blissfully free of such ugly constraints. In fact, I can't help but wonder if you are Jewish or, if instead, you're among the fringe Christian groups who attempts to hold claim to Judaism even as you attempt to convert us.
Either way, I see no reason to justify your questions with an answer if you don't even have the backbone to stand proudly, and openly, behind your opinions.
if there is no dogma then there is no religion sorry.
for you to present judaism as a religion blissfully free of ugly constraints like truth and dogma 'shows cowardice and a lack of true conviction' for you present only what your intellect perceives, not what G-d's own Word says...you have chosen to be a tribal jew and not open His Book, because you arent interested, however though wherein you will find what is Judaism and the Law...but you are not alone, all secular/tribal/cultural jews do the same thing. it is easier to trust in your intellect and your great grandparents passed that on to you.
and FYI, If a jew is honestly and earnestly seeking truth, then G-d will meet him or her sara beth, its not up to a Christian to convert a jew whether that Christian is attempting to or not...it is between G-d and the seeker, also founfd in G-d's Word...
why not open the Book and study Torah sara beth?...its your 'heritage' and then you can teach your children well.
really you are not investing at all in the future of Judaism with this kind of rubbish. you are massively harming our faith, and apparently unknowingly.
promoting and espousing cultural judaism as the lesser of two evils (if marrying out of the faith is #1)is a HUGE (if not the hugest) disservice to jews and judaism around the world.
is G-d pleased that all your intellect could come up with was maintaining a jewish 'identity' through the 'culture' (i.e. yiddish for example and mezzuzahs around the doors) of judaism?
what about the Jewish faith? do you really believe G-d is satisfied that you abandon the religion but embrace the culture? how does that bring you and your children closer to G-d?
G-d is angry that you would promote an alternative and pass it off decievingly as the real deal. Cultural judaism is just that, culture - it isn't a faith or does it worship the G-d of Abraham.
It is ONLY self-serving and promotes ONLY intellect/self, ALLOWING you to be 'blissfully free of such ugly constraints' found in the Torah.
Sounds as if this young lady needs to be converted back to Judaism. A born again Jewish experience. yes Torah study is the ticket here otherwise one is just a Jew in name only. Aren't they called twice a year Jews? The ones who show up just for the major holidays?
How does one have a Jewish identity without knowing (or even wanting to know) the G-d of Abraham?
Anyone who reads or knows me knows that I'm happy to debate when I think it's worth my time or effort - and that comes from thinking my opponents have useful opinions and come from a place of expertise. But I'm just not seeing it here... and I think it's interesting that I've gotten atta-girls from every Jew I've heard from, but these Christians presume to come on my blog and tell me how to function in my own religion?
That's blogging for you - and I don't begrudge people the right to take advantage of my comment board - I've never deleted or amended a comment except when they're spam. But this is all the energy I'm going to put into their criticism.
I watched last night 'Jewish Americans' on PBS and it would be an incredible resource for you in your attempt to reconnect to your lost Jewish identitiy. They are selling the DVD of this excellent 2hour show at the PBS website and it is a must see for you having read your column.
And having read these comments and that which you just wrote about how to function in your own religion, it is apparent that you just don't 'get it'.
You are claiming that your religion is Judaism, but unfortunately that is not true. What is true is that these people are trying to point out to you that you have manufactured a religion that you are trying to fit into your lifestyle and calling it Judaism (those are also the jews who are giving you the atta girls, lost Jewish souls who are too lazy like you to study Torah).
That's why these comments are recommending Torah study for you and whether they are Christinas or not, that is an excellent direction to point you to if you are REALLY wanting to reconnect to Judaism, that is the place to go hands down, so don't continue living on that river in egypt, otherwise when these children you supposedly will raise one day ask what are these trinkets affixed on our doors and why are they there, then you will be equipped to answer.
Don't be a stiff-necked Pharisee, there is Torah study even online that you can do in your own time. Quit being so lazy! There is no Judaism without Torah, thats what these rabbis are trying to tell you cause its true!
I'm surprised to by the anger that's shown in some of the above comments. Every idea that Sarah has talked about in this column is based in serious and weighty personal reflection and decision-making, and I'd hope that anyone who has a different opinion could express it in a way that respects that. I also have to wonder what rock these people have been living under. I've known a great number of Jews who would describe themselves as practicing, reform, orthodox, secular, humanistic, and many other words, and frequently within the same family. In one particular family I know well, the parents are reform, one of the children is orthodox (along with a batch of cousins), and one of the children is secular (along with the grandparents). And they all happily share a large area of commonality. It's like my extended family, which has a fun mix of Christians, Jews, humanists, and a number of other faiths. The Jewish community as a whole accepts many different approaches with respect and dignified discussion, so why is it such a big deal to anyone else? In the end, it's none of our business, but it sure is interesting, so I'm glad Sarah took the bull by the horns to write about it.
that rock we've been living under is the big one at Auschwitz where our murdered remains lie.
all we had was our G-d, the G-d of Abraham, ALIVE in the LIVING TORAH and a couple generations later you come along to say that you took the bull by the horns by stapling up a mezzuzah and learning some yiddish? shame on you.
that river in egypt referred to above is DENIAL and if you continue to ignore that the Torah is your heritage then don't be calling yourself a Jew.
The Torah is alive and real and wherein you will meet your G-d, your Creator, your Abba in Heaven. Any attempt to reconnect (or connect in the first place since you never really have) is vain if you continue to deny G-d as part of the equation.
If the Jewish community where you live says otherwise then expose the lie they propulgate. A diluted 'faith' is not a faith call yourself what you will but don't call yourself a Jew to those of us who lay here under that rock.
you might as well murder us a second time.
FYI, its called righteous anger.
Tam, finally a voice of reason - thank you for injecting civility into this ridiculous conversation-free zone.
Unless other rational people choose to post comments here, I'm going to end my participation by pointing out that unless some of these people hiding behind pseudonyms unveil themselves and prove me wrong, I'd like to assure anyone unfamiliar with the Greensboro Jewish community that I am 99.9% sure these people are not members. Though I have certainly experienced strong personalities and opinions within the community, I have never experienced this kind of venom - contrarily, I have experienced respect, for other Jews and all of mankind and I have experienced openness, caring, thoughtfulness and a whole host of other positive attributes absent from these cowardly comments.
Please don't be misled by hateful poseurs who attempt to smear the community by falsifying allegiance with it.
you want it all but you can't have it.
jews in name only. we died in vain.
ahavas shalom
the truth is that there really arent many if any good looking jewish girls in the US. thats probably why you couldnt find a jewish guy to marry. the jewish girls all have that bad jewish hair and nasty moustache and grow thier leg and armpit hair and generally speaking dont do much to make themselves appealing.
now there are some hot jewish girls in israel, europe and other countries but the jewish girls in the US werent blessed with looks unfortunately for us jewish guys in the US so we all had to marry goyim.
now you being a cook and all thats a good thing in your favor since it appears from your pic that you have that jewish girl hair dilemma, but if you have kitchen skills then the best thing you make for dinner is not reservations like the good-looking hot jewish american princesses do!
best way to a man's heart is through his stomach!
m'nish tana halayla hazay!
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