Executive Position

This whatever-it-is originally ran in the News & Record on May 2, 2007.

Job Title: Leader of the Free World

Employers: The citizens of the United States of America

Job Type: Full time

Salary: roughly $400,000

Perks include: Company house, car and airplane, extensive private staff, abundant travel opportunities and more

Closing Date: November 4, 2008

Would you love to represent America globally? Have you ever been a member of a secretive and theoretically nonexistent fraternity? Think you could be the political caffeine in the coffee of the tired and disenfranchised of America? This could be the job for you!

No experience? No problem! Here, in the United States of America, we provide on-the-job training for qualified applicants with a sincere desire to learn and the ability to pick up new skills quickly.

With 300 million bosses, the president of the United States must consider the needs of all people, regardless of age, ethnicity, sexual orientation and, most of all, socioeconomic status. Moreover, as the figurehead representing the people of United States in a world of nearly 200 countries, the president must be willing and able to present America as a nation of divergent opinions, compassionate people and generosity of resources. (A willingness to actually be generous with resources is a bonus.)

Though this is a position with a more than 200 year history, recent updates to the job description include a focus on global diplomacy and a renewed dedication to true democracy, not just when the process suits the president.

Minimum Qualifications:

• Native to the United States
• At least 35 years of age
• Wealthy enough to sustain an extensive and expensive interview process
• Men: A dark blue suit with an American flag lapel pin; Women: a short strand of oversized pearls

Preferred Qualifications:

• Command of the English language (additional languages a strong bonus)
• Compassion
• Intellectual curiosity
• Acceptance of the Scientific Method

Applicants should submit their qualifications to the people of the United States of America via debates, press conferences, ads and Web sites. Please, no bluster or mudslinging; sociopaths and liars need not apply.

Writer’s Note to the 300 million bosses: Though I realize that American Idol currently commands the bulk of our voting attentions, and that politicking is often a turn-off to politics, I hope you will review our candidates carefully. The president may be constrained by the Constitution to a maximum of eight years, but this administration seems to have made it their mission to remind us that decisions made and actions taken in this relatively short time can have repercussions for decades to come. It’s up to you, America!