Memory at 85

Because I married a man a bit older than me, and because he was the surprise child of a woman who initially thought the symptoms of her third pregnancy were signs of her impending "change," I have a mother-in-law who is 85. Since I've known her, she has gone from mildly forgetful to clearly living with dementia. I try to stay very silver-lining about it, which isn't terribly hard because Caroline remembers us and the rest of the family and she's still herself (unlike some with Alzheimer's who display entirely different personalities). And she's basically happy - she'd rather live in an apartment (though definitively none of her kids - something she decided when caring for her own mother with dementia), but says the assisted living facility where she lives is "good enough for now," with nice people and good food that she's eternally grateful to not have to cook.

Lately, though, we've noticed a drop in her memory. Though we like to think of memory loss (as she puts it) as a steady decline, there are actually dips and plateaus - occasionally, there are even rebounds, such as when Caroline became disoriented when she moved into assisted living but rebounded to basically where she was, memory-wise and functionally, before moving.

So, yesterday I took her to the doctor to get a referral to a neurologist. No harm checking it out, we figure. It's been three years since her last trip to the neurologist and there's no telling what kinds of treatment options have been put on the market since then. We are, after all, living in what some reckon to be the golden age of brain sciences.

Her primary care physician said, "So, how old are you?"

Ah, I see where this is going...

"And you think your memory is poorer than it should be for 85?"

Yup, we've landed... at a good point, no less. What do we expect from an 85 year old woman? I'll admit that I expect what I have with my own 87-year-old grandmother and 88-year-old step-grandfather who are both sharp as tacks, both of whom reside in independent living facilities. But perhaps I have it backwards? Perhaps Caroline's functioning should be what we expect in these years so far beyond the lifespan relatively recent history suggests we should have, while these two amazing paragons of health should be considered exceptions worthy of much celebration.

There's been an increasing amount of debate lately about our expectations of aging, particularly in America where we seem to believe aging is optional. Graceful aging is more often regarded as confusing - why would we accept gray hair and wrinkles when we have a host of professionals and products to remedy them?

At nearly 30, it's easy for me to enjoy my growing crop of gray hair and make predictions about how I will face aging once my brain and body start giving out on me. Really, really easy.

In the meantime, I'll take Caroline to the neurologist and hope that he has some fancy new prescription that will combat her dementia if even only a little. If nothing else, the effort will make her happy.